🛡️ SeRvIcEs We OfFeR 🛡️
Penetration Testing — We tried the door handle. It was unlocked. That'll be $40,000.- 24/7/365 SOC Monitoring — Gary, a lava lamp, and a pager clipped to a ceiling fan.
- Firewall Installation —
(we may have taken this one literally) - Zero Trust Architecture — We don't trust you. We don't trust us. Gary doesn't trust the lava lamp.
- Password Policy Consulting — 64 chars, 3 symbols, 1 hieroglyph, rotated hourly, written on a Post-it for convenience.
Phishing Simulations — Sent your CFO a "you've won a cruise" email. Our click rate KPI has never looked better.- Incident Response — Our response to incidents is a long, low "hmmmmm."
- AI-Powered Threat Detection — It's a Magic 8-Ball. "Reply hazy, rotate keys."
- Vulnerability Scanning — Found 14,000 criticals. All of them are the printer.
- Red Teaming — Like regular teaming, but we wear red shirts. Blue team uses Comic Sans.
- Air-Gapped Backups — Printed in hex and stored in a Nike shoebox under Steve's desk.
- Compliance-as-a-Vibe — SOC 2, ISO 27001, HIPAA, PCI, and our personal favorite: "Y2K Ready ✅"
Threat Intelligence — We read Reddit so you don't have to. Then we read it again.- Security Awareness Training — 90 min video. Yes, we know you muted it. We can see you.
- Quantum-Resistant Blockchain Synergy — We don't know either. Investors loved it.
- Social Engineering Audits — Walked in carrying a ladder and a clipboard. Now we run your HR department.
- Executive Briefings — One slide. It says "PATCH YOUR STUFF." Font size 400.